Venting is good, and you couldn't have found a better place to do it. The people here my not totally understand what you are going through, but the have compasion for people in pain, something you are clearly in.

Are you seeing a thrapist? Taking any medication?, they really do help, and for me therapy has done more than than the drugs have.

Hope may seem like an illusion, but it's there if you are willing to look for it.