My Healing Survivor Poem

...Always looking outside me
for something to fill me up
scared to be with myself
what will I find? What will I see?
An angry woman nobody wants to be around
Or a scared little child still waiting to be found
The two of them so near and yet so far
Inside of me yet I dare know who they are...

Once upon a time a loving father's hand
Went somewhere it should not have gone
Other things also went wrong
The little child withdrew to be seen no more

The years passed and I felt so alone
Inside there was no one at home
I had dreams
Some so terrible I would freeze
But some a longing for a larger life
And so I began to try to save my life.

Through years I struggled to unfold
Marriage, children, now into old age I grow
Memories were lost while self-hate spread
Often I wished that I were dead.
Why? I did not ask but knew that I was bad.
Why? Because the one I crossed was Dad.
Dad the one who loved me more than most
The one I clung to even when he became a prisoner
If I say he abused me, wouldt I lose him again?
I must be bad so much anger did I have!

When a parent loves you and leaves a different mark
What can you, a child, really do with this?
You have no power but to hide And forget as soon as possible if you can
Or pretend it doesnt matter after all
Lie in your coffin like a good dead kid
Take their ghost to bed with you every night
All day long trying to forget
Fill yourself up with all kinds of stuff
Hoping for an end to it all.

And then sometime, no longer a child
You find you do have a choice after all.
To face your truth
Own all the feelings, they are ours, our truths.
I was surprised to learn of so many others on the planet
In different stages of recovery from childhood sexual abuse
incest.
It was wonderful to feel my trust come from knowing
Others want to be whole and not hiding any more, like me.

The path to love is now peopled with those who know
With those who know!!! With those who know!!!
The path to love is now peopled with those
Who know the truth and are not afraid of it!!!
And live with it and love themselves inspite of it!!!
Never to deny it again, nor be ashamed of their dear
selves!!!
Never again to be ashamed for anything they did to heal
themselves!!!

Together we can heal and be free
We can contribute healing to our world for generations to
come.
So many ways to be open and proud
Even though once we could not say anything aloud.
With healing we get to be who we were born to be.