I'm hearing you going back and forth between two very different viewpoints: the one where you're making your choices, seeing how they turn out and how it feels; and the one where you're looking out for how you'll appear to others.
I find I can (reasonably comfortably
) entertain two or more different viewpoints at the same time as long as I take care not to let them get tangled together. For instance...
Quote:
Originally Posted by opaquemind0
I mean, this week, I was so lazy that I fell asleep doing homework almost every day!
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What happened was: you fell asleep doing homework. What I think you're piling on top of that is that someone might call you lazy (so maybe you'd better run and head them off by calling yourself lazy first.) The trouble is, before you can see what's going on for you ("WHY?" as you put it), you're going to have to
lift off some of whatever you've piled on top of it.
I don't know why you fall asleep doing homework. It took me quite a while to figure out that when I fell asleep doing homework, it had to do with being depressed, anxious, and in conflict and having no one around I could really talk to about it. YMMV
*.
Good luck, keep looking at this, and keep posting. Do you have anyone (a T or counselor) you could be talking to about this stuff? "A good support system in place," as NF puts it.
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* Your Mileage May Vary