Oh hon, I know what you mean about the "first time".......it leaves the indelible picture of freedom, and I pine for it occassionally too.......well, it does for me.

Maybe it is not the drugs you crave, but what they represented.......euphoria, lack of stress, disinhibited, mental clarity, social ease and so on.....

If only these things were so easily attained in real, sober life in the therapeutic setting.

Whenever I think of the past, and know that people are out there, dancing around and living the life of the free, I think "I want those things, without the terrible consequences"........as I know you do too.

You brave, brave man......keep going, stay away from temptation, and know that you are dearly loved. This terrible isolated feeling will pass.....it always does. Be safe

Michah