My Support Forums - View Single Post - Trying to Listen, take it in, be still.............

darkpurplesecrets · May 02, 2010, 07:13 AM

I posted this somewhere else but wanted to share it here with those of you that have supported and are walking this path. This path we are walking is hard but time is on our side as each day we reach forward to those who care and walk this road together.

(This was written yesterday but was afraid to post it for somehow seems it does not make sense, yet it does. Somewhere I am standing almost as if looking into the abyss of my life that is opening up waiting for me to look inside. I am so afraid of falling in yet if I do not look I will be engulfed already.)
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Today I feel like it is all I can do to push these keys. I must make myself move. I must make myself keep going today but I feel like I’ve dropped and trudging through mud. I feel my head hurt but with a pain that cannot be explained. I keep hearing songs and words that at times get so fast and loud and I cannot seem to shut it off. I feel shaky inside as if I am cold and shivering as I did when I was a child and could not get away- from what I ask myself? I feel like I want to run, to keep going but I cannot today for in the same breath I am too tired. Or maybe I am too afraid. At times I cannot turn off my thoughts and the noise, yet at times it is so silent I feel almost as if no one is home.

I wish someone could understand but I fear that I cannot explain it to anyone so that it makes sense. I sometimes feel as though my body is going to crawl outside of itself. I sometimes hear someone and answer yet whom am I talking to? And yet what is so bad is no one can know or at least I do not know how to tell anyone. I know it is those within that are trying to come forth but I am scared. They hold those things that were held so deep within, those things I know not of. Those things that are trying to come forth and though knowing it is necessary, it does not make it any easier. I have heard them yet I know not where they are for they only show themselves in the stillness and quietness. They step forth and I am away. I feel this heaviness and I cannot step back. Their presence, exhaust me and scares me.

No one sees me behind closed doors—the cleaning, writing, re-arranging, and constant thoughts but I do, and I cannot stop at times. I get exhausted from talking yet never uttering a word outside of myself for no one is here except those within myself. Sometimes I feel as though I am going crazy, sometimes I just want it to stop. Is this life? I did not ask to be this way. Sometimes I scream HELP into my pillows but no one knows and no one hears me. Somehow I tell myself no one can know. The place I fear no one can come to yet needing someone to know where I am. Who could understand what I am not sure of? Silence yet at times racing, who could even begin to get the picture that I am so desperately trying to paint?

Words, a jumble of emotions that are engulfing me, don’t look at anyone for eyes tell too much. I see others but a wall transparent to others rises, standing between those on the other side of that wall and myself to keep safe. Touch is beginning to hurt yet part of me needs it. We never thought we would get to this place, the place that no one has ever seen. They say this is progress, I say I am terrified. I have never been here and we have never allowed anyone to be here. To walk this close to that which has been hidden for so long, to hear the very words never spoken, and to know all that lies within. Where feelings that were never allowed were pulled so deep within and where words alone cannot tell but the feelings tell it all.

Today the world feels as though it is beating down on me, almost as if I cannot get a breath. I could crawl back into bed and pulled the blanket over my head. I feel that I want the world to stop today, and take me with it. At times I feel I am floating away, the emptiness I feel within is screaming, maybe the emptiness that I am disconnected from those who hold so much. Sometimes I hear them but from a distance. I know they are there yet maybe I am pushing away because I know they have something for me to hear----to face. Deep inside is a dark eerie feeling, knowing what I have to do and doing it are two different things. It is so hard to face it, breath, take it in, and be still. To slow down feels as though I am inviting it to come the monsters of my mind jumping out between images of realism and memories, and it all seeming to engulf me.

Does any of this make sense? I need it to yet I do not know the words to say what is going on. How do I let someone this close without letting down the mask that has been held up for so long? So many questions, no answers----just slow down, please. Knowing I have to go here to move forward yet so afraid of what lies hidden and waiting to be revealed. Fear engulfing me and tears streaming down, I am trying to listen and hear those within telling their memories----knowing they are myself that has been waiting for me to catch up.

dps