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You did the right thing by throwing away the alcohol and pills. *hug*
Please deal with your emotions sober. They may not be pleasant but it seems to be the best way to deal with them. Substances distort them and make it impossible to process anything properly emotionally.
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“In depression . . . faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the...feeling felt as truth...that no remedy will come -- not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. . . . It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.”-William Styron
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