i think you have more control than you let yourself know. it will be ok. things get better, even though it might really suck now. i don't think you're dumb at all. the urges can be so hard to fight. don't get down on yourself, you really do want to feel better, i think. you are trying, and that's great! keep trying.

try to browse lists of alternative things to do. depending on my mood, different things can help me.

when you are struggling, think about what feelings you have. take a moment to just feel and consider what it is that would counteract that feeling or make you feel better.

journaling is a good thing for me sometimes. drawing can also help. try to find things that make you feel relaxed and calm and in the moment.

i hope you are doing ok. hang in there. and take care!