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maybe I just suck at communication, but at least I'm trying to communicate to people offline since... for a long time I just shut it off. I can't even say "for a few years" because it's been longer then that.
People in my life seem to greatly underestimate or simply disregard what I go through. I try to put it in understandable words but I think unless a person is going through it (and maybe has gone through it so long as they really remember what it was like) can never understand it no matter how I put it.
My parents (well, my mom and step-dad at least) seem to be under the impression that I can do all this stuff it's just that I don't want to or am just lazy. Going through the process of finding a job, calling financial aide, and the whole college process is overwhelming enough for most people anyways, let alone for a person like me who when out in public is under the impression that their very presense is offensive, that they will more likely then not just get in the way and mess things up, and ruin someone's day. I do try and dismiss these thoughts as ridiculous but I can't always recognize that.
I can understand that my mom is exasperated when I get defensive with her, she says I read into things way to much and instead of seeing things as coming out of a place of love that my mind always jumps to the worst possible conclusion. I told her it wasn't anything personal, ans she told me that it's off-putting to people.
Jumping to the worst possible conclusion has been my life. It's not just with her, it's not just with people. My. Entire. Life. Things like that don't just change, it takes time, it takes effort.
And for the record the only reason why I can post all the personal stuff here is because it is so anonymous. I don't physically see you guys, on the street, at home on a daily basis, maybe I do? But neither of us would know that.
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