Thank you all for your support and for caring. It means more than you could know. Right now tears fall and I sit here with a heavy heart yet knowing this is where I am suppose to be and somehow I will survive this once again. And as real as it seems I know that we already made it through and we will somehow be okay.

Today was a very hard day as those within have revealed some memories that had not been told. Fear sometimes grips me as I try to hear and listen to what they say. The picture begins to unfold before my eyes almost as if I am back there once again and for the first time I am there as if it is happening for the first time. And though it is not it feels that way.

Trying to hide within so no one can see what it is doing to me, I pull away and push back the tears sitting right on the edge of our eyes. A burning takes place and I feel myself go to a place that is far away, almost so that no one can know. The fear grips my insides and I am no longer blocked from what I was hid from. The hurt and feelings come back full fold where once a shell and someone else stepped in.

Sitting there my heart pounds and I can hardly look away from the scenes there before my eyes. The movie playing there cannot be any worse than if I were actual there for it feels so real and for the moment no one else is around me or in the room but those there that did those things and myself no longer able to hide away. For my eyes now meet those that come for me and I feel the pain sore through me.

Somehow those feelings of worthless and nothing filter through me like a cold wind that nothing can block. They step forth the very ones that stood there for me and I accept them back. Feelings are real and raw as over and over time seems to stand still away from this time I now live in. No one feels present but me and those within, and I feel as though to be touched is pain and something I run from.

The day seems long as I sit there trying to find a way to get past that which has been given back and somehow I have to be strong and hold on. Somehow turning off those very feelings until I am alone. Maybe it is from the shame or the worthlessness, or not wanting anyone to see me break down, but I fight to hold back the tears and fear. Not until I am alone is it okay to break down and know.

Now the night has come and my fears feel huge. The darkness enveloping me as if it will swallow me and no one will find me. Yet, holding on to the fact that we made it through the first time we will make it through the memory. But it feels so real and I wonder if anyone really gets that or am I just somehow hoping? Somewhere within my heart has sunk and the reality of what took place now known and tears fall even as I sit here writing this.

Somehow wishing someone was here with me, yet knowing that I have to do this alone for no one else can do this for me. Wanting to pick up the phone yet knowing that those I would call to are sleeping and I cannot allow myself to wake them, for they cannot do anything anyways. But this aloneness is scaring me more tha n words can tell and somehow just a voice wuld let me know I am not alone.

Trying to find a way to sit quietly with this knowing that the darkness will lift and the morning will come again, but somewhere inside me right now cries for me and for that child that did not deserve that. And somewhere a small heart beats and I know she is me and somehow I grow a little more to love her for what she has survived, and for the creative way she did it.

dps