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This week has been one of the hardest weeks I've had in a very long time. What makes my depression hard is the fact that after 2 and a half months of clinical depression, I officially decided to challenge myself this week. I challenged myself to stop sulking, dwelling in all of the negativity..and self-loathing... Although, it is not horrible to feel those things... dwelling on the negative will not make me any happier. Ever since I made an actual decision to change...my depression finally feels like an actual illness...
For Example: If someone has a fever for a while, they can do things to help that fever go down, take tylenol or other meds, use an icepack, or take a shower...etc... but, just because they do all these things doesn't mean the fever will immediatley go down... it still takes time.
I was completley discouraged when all of the things I was doing, meditating, forcing myself to get out of bed, reading books on positive thinking, hanging out with friends, etc. did not immediatley make my depression better... in fact, I actually ended up feeling worse at some points this week. I ended up sobbing/weeping this week, something I haven't done in a year...I was in so much severe pain, two days later, I felt like I was having a panic attack & my chest felt like it was in so much pain...it was soo heavy, physically hurt... and for hours it felt like my heart was just gonna fall out onto the floor. So, after hours of enduring the pain, I ended up having to take holistic medicine for trauma and anxiety. Today and yesterday, I basically slept most of the day... & had a very hard time getting out of bed. And all of this happened after I made a decision to fight against it. But, even through all this, I refuse to give up on myself. Currently, I'm fighting the urge to feel excessive guilt over my lack of discipline and I have the urge to just beat myself up and put myself down for what I haven't accomplished due to the depression. Somewhere in my gut, I'm fighting the urge that says... "Cynthia, you will never get better. Your worthless and look at everything you haven't accomplished." As I deny these thoughts the best I can, I yearn to accept where I am in life and have the faith that says, "hey, there is always tommorow, tommorow is a new day, and the darkness you feel has a greater purpose...In the final days, people won't talk about my depression. I'm hopeful, they will talk non-stop about the strength I exuded in overcoming. May God Bless those who feel these same burdens and pain...
COMMENTS APPRECIATED!
ESPECIALLY anyone who can relate or anyone with positive feedback.
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