Yes Spiltimage I hear what you are saying loud and clear. In my case I had burned so many bridges and I desperately wanted someone to turn around and say Good Job, one day clean, thats an achievement....well or so it seemed to me. I craved approval and justification, and it is so frustrating. But it really is a case of one day at a time, I know it is a well worn phrase, but for me that is as good as it gets and, you know, one day clean is good, it is an achievement.

I had destroyed so many trustworthy relationships that I didnt imagine that anyone would ever believe me again and in a way I feel the shadow of suspicion is always hanging over me. People, from my past life will always know me as 'Out of It'.

I have just had a very difficult weekend. A combination of being ill for a long time that I am still shaking off, a bereavement in recent days
and the visit of an acquaintance from my drug days here to the town I live in this weekend. He called me and we met up and the temptation to just get wasted with him was overwhelming. But I didnt and I wake up today and there is no one to say well done, you did good. Except myself. I am beginning to find it is the relationship that I have with myself that needs the most repair. Until I heal myself it will be very difficult to form trustworthy relationships with anyone else.

I find at times that I am calculating and manipulative which is a direct relationship to my drug days. What is in it for me if I do something for someone else, its kind of like a transaction, I must be rewarded for anything I do for other people. But truth be told I know that until I trust myself no one will trust me.

Here is something a nice friend of mine has on his Facebook profile that has helped me in recent days...........

Great things come to those who know what they want and have the patience to understand that the world might not be ready just yet!
Stop searching for peace and happiness, it's already there, inside of you, just waiting for you to discover it anew!


I hope that helps you a little. I am arond and about if you need to sound off, PM me should you ever feel the going tough, I know what you are going through and I understand the depth of emotion that is around you.

Take good care and for what it is worth......well done!!

Paddy