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I am glad to have found this site. I have been on several others, but there was hardly any traffic going on. I hope to be able to connect this time. I have BP II and my experiences are very different from those with BP I. I have read a number of books (only found books written by BP I's), but have not found one that I could really relate to.
In Spring 2006 I arrived in the States after many years of voluntary social work in Ukraine, I was diagnosed with a severe burn-out. I was blessed with a counselor who was willing to help me for free, since I didn't have a cent to my name.
It was bad... I was so, so, so tired. When I finally had pulled myself out of bed, I watched some tv, but I never could follow the story line, I had so little concentration. I would fall asleep while still being very aware of my thoughts which were going all over the place. Trying to wake up was near to impossible, my body felt like lead. I couldn't move, even when I tried with all my will power. It was sometimes pretty scary...
In the meantime we (my counselor and I) were trying to work on some issues, but I was emotionally continually all over the place. My GP had prescribed anti-depressants, but they didn't seem to work. I also felt different, had no idea what was going on. (Later I realised it was a prolonged mixed state)I had also ended up being severely suicidal, even before coming to the States. In actual fact, it was a miracle I had arrived there, since I had very detailed plans before ever leaving the Ukraine. I never intended to leave there really.
In mid-December my GP (who had been pushing me to see a pdoc, which I resisted) decided to add another anti-depressant. Everything went totally haywire, my thoughts were driving me totally crazy. Absolutely no rest for the wicked! I even went to the psych hospital, I so badly wanted to get some rest in my head, but there they decided I was not suicidal enough! Yeah, right! I tapered myself off of the second anti-depressant and immediately things were lightening up a bit. But I was convinced enough that I needed to see a pdoc. My counselor arranged a speedy appointment, so early January 2007 I saw my first pdoc and got my diagnosis.
Once I realised that the suicidal thoughts were part of the illness and not part of who I am, I distanced myself from these thoughts. I decided not to entertain those thoughts anymore. Of course these thoughts still pop up every now and then, and sometimes it is very enticing, but I am able to let it go, thankfully. Also in due time I came to realise that it was not so much that I wanted to die, but that during those times the pain became too much to handle. Being on meds helped deal with this issue a lot better. I have not been so severely suicidal anymore, thank God!
What really stinks, though, is that before I got in that terrible state of being severely burned-out and suicidal, my moods would last for months and sometimes a couple of years at the time. While now I have become a rapid cycler. Beginning of April I became hypomanic, then I entered a mixed state and now I am getting depressed. It probably doesn't help that I am still dealing with some major traumas, either...
Has anyone else had the same experience in becoming a rapid cycler later?
Since July 2009 I am back in my home country the Netherlands. I intended on staying in the States, but something went amiss with the paperwork and I had to return unexpectedly. It's a whole story in itself, pretty traumatic. Anyways.
Now I am waiting for my own place to live. It's very hard to find a place. My circumstances are far from ideal. I am living with a family from my church right now till the end of this month. The situation is very unstable which of course is partly triggering all these stupid episodes!
My sleeping has been a problem. In the States I used Ambien CR 12,5 mg which worked wonders for me. But we don't have the CR here, grrrr! So since being back in the Netherlands I have been on many different sleeping aids, but found none that really works for me. This is very aggravating!
Also, the last time I used Seroquel for my hypomania I suffered so many of the side effects, apart from being zombi-like for several days when I start taking it, that I am done with it. My pdoc suggests Abilify. Anyone experience with that?
Another major problem for me is the terrible weight gain because of the meds. Honestly, some people here in the Netherlands didn't even recognize me, I tell you! It is so mortifying... I am already very self aware where my body is concerned, so this is a major issue for me. How do others deal with this?
Well, I'll stop rambling.
The Crazy Rambler
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