Thank you for this SAWE. I have hinted at this very thing in T before...Actually we were talking about identity and I had this list of things I like to do/am interested in ...and T was wondering why I hadn't shared any of these things yet (they were kinda big i guess) but I just said "it takes me a long time to open up," and she kind of re-asked the question of why, then? And i just felt really bad because I didn't know how to talk about that mistrust of people without implicating my mistrust of HER.
Because it's nothing she's done, and I don't want to hurt her, she's an amazing T. It's more like, just a general mistrust of people and what is sucky is like especially nice people. When someone is just so nice I get SO angry at myself about being suspicious of them, and when I think back to the past there were a few people who were SO kind to me, but I shut them out over and over and over. And now i feel so guilty about it. Instead of accepting kindness and love, I sought out mean and unloving people, who I didn't have to trust and didnt have to open up to, b/c they didn't really care and just wanted certain things or whatever.
And T is SO nice. So it's just trying to unlock that part and let it breathe, and it's hard b/c intellectually you can tell yourself, it's okay, it's all good, you're happy---just go with it. ...but then what I consider the "dark side," starts just hurting or getting really scared or something, just starts anticipating some inevitable betrayal and i'll just be the stupid girl again, who let herself get burned.
....*sigh*..... what a mess I make.