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Hunny · 04:32 PM

"I want to reconcile my life to this healing but I am struggling with all the major decisions made between the age 20 or so to 30 or so. I am not 30 to 40 or 40 to 50 or 50 to 60, I am 20 to 30 and I don't know how I got well and I don't know how I can live with those major life decisions I made between 20 and 30 without being healed from my traumas. My attention to my goals and decisions made in those years were based on me being traumatized. I am seriously feeling 'crazy' based on this healing. How can I look at the decsions and choices I made and be happy? The choices were all based on fears, escape, being and looking acceptable, denying traumas, abuses and neglect. These were not small decisions. These were major life decisions, like life partner, school and career decisions, choices of where to live and most important what spiritual path I chose (the only decision that sort of seems to be on firm ground to this day). These decisions were made with the broken-ness of who I was not on the restored-ness of who I am. How do I reconcile this? Even the small details as to the foods I ate to the foods she is now accepting to eat, the places she goes, the way she lives, the clothes and shape and age she is. This seems too 'huge' to overcome. I had made good and bad decsions but the consequences of those decisions she lives with to this day!? I feel responsible and unclean. To what end was I healed? To what purpose, so I can look at all those choices and feel like crap? I am sorry but I just need to get this out. I don't know who I am and she doesn't know who I am either. This is making me quite frantic and she said if I could speak about it maybe we could get some relief."

People this is who and what I am working on right now. I think this is my most dissociated part to date. I don't know how to comfort her and we dialogued a lot this past week. I think she was more or less put on shelf until about a month ago when she started to appear again. I think she has been in therapy at times but needed to be asked to wait while we helped the children. Who knew??? She is so alert and I am so fuzzy and sick and I am trying to dialogue with her and as you can tell she is quite upset. I told our therapist and the therapist said we are doing all the right things by discussing everything but I am feeling weak/sick or is it her or someone else who is sick and I am just looking after things in not such a good way. All in all it's been quite a time. I am really wanting to be in denial and so does she or maybe she is just used to being in the background and now that she is coming forward, well, it is all too much. My therapist said she thinks that I can handle her/this just like I did Wish but I don't know?! I know how painful that all was as some of you know too. Wish did not have to make life decisions like she did. By the way Wish has been helping too and I thank her too.

Any light you might be able to shed on this will be eternally appreciated. Oh and speaking of eternally she is not sure how we chose the spiritual path we did. Oh my goodness this is so daunting. And on top of it all, this appears to be only one age group and both ends are a bit unclear and overlapping.

Hunny
The Hive