I was so determined to get clean this time! As long as my sister is living here with us, I know I can't stay clean. It's like putting a crack addict in a room full of users. That person can only go so long until they give in, especially in early recovery. She brought half an 8 ball to me lastnight and said I could have a quarter of it. At first I said no. Said no four times, actually. Then she started smoking it in front of me and I just couldn't hold on any longer. *sigh* I'm such a fu**ing failure. I've let everyone down who trusted in me to stay clean and sober.

I feel so miserable. This time I did get high and to be honest, I'm still kind of high from lastnight. I hate myself so much right now. I went 10 months clean as a whistle and then my sister moves back in and it goes all to hell! I know the choice is ultimately mine, but I'm a fricken addict and she knows this. She knows how hard it is for me to turn the dope down, yet she swings half an 8 of Ice in front of my face.

I don't know what to say or do... I'm scared, I'm depressed, I'm miserable. I'm losing my mind.