I feel for you Bama. Sorry you're finding it so tough right now. But try not to be so hard on yourself. PM if you need to talk. We all need better ways to cope, but none of us have found them yet, except those of us who now have the honour of calling themselves Recovered, whether it be SI-ers or alcoholics, or drug addicts. Whatever. Just try to keep the hope of recovery, and don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes.