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Elysium · May 04, 2010, 09:24 PM

I don't understand why this has to be so difficult!!

Today I picked out Mother's Day cards for my Mother and my Grandmother. Grandma wasn't too difficult to get a card for...but my Mother is a whole other story.

99% of the greeting cards for Moms either say something like..."Mom, Thanks for tolerating me when I was such a horrible screw up as a child. Gosh, I'm sure lucky that you put up with all my crap!! You're the greatest. I love you soooo much", or it's schmoozy stuff like "Mom...your are my best friend and I feel so close to you today. We can talk about anything, You're my Joy, my Confidant, my life support....".

I have trouble picking out cards for her because...I want to be able to say all those nice and loving things to my Mother...I really do. I love her a lot, but the fact is, right now I don't FEEL any of that mushy sentiment in my heart. Right now ,I still carry around so much anger and resentment towards her for the abandonment and for watching my father abuse me and my brother. I feel guilty because a "good" daughter would buy her Mother that card and fake it and make Mom feel like the best Mother in the world...but I just can't.

It's not that I don't want too.

I do want too!! But I don't feel that way.

I don't feel like I can talk with her about everything. I don't feel like she is my best friend and confidant. And I don't want to send her a "Gee Mom, Thanks for putting up with me" card that tells her that she's a great Mom for tolerating ME all those years when she was the one that was hurting me and watching abuse take place.

I can't even fake it right now. I want too, but I can't. If it's not in my heart...I can't fake that.

I did get her a nice card that said something plain and simple...that I hope she has a special day and I wish her a Happy Mother's Day. That's true...I want that and so much more for her. I want the world for her....but I can't get past this anger and resentment.

I guess I'm not looking for sympathy. It's not like an "oh, poor me" thing. Just wondering if anyone else can understand this guilt I am feeling? You know, the guilt that comes when you feel like you should be overwhelmed with love and devotion for someone who's supposed to be so special, but it just doesn't feel that way?

I wish things were different. I wish I could make myself feel different. Maybe someday I will....I just don't know how right now.

I'm not even saying this right. I feel like this is coming off snarky and I don't mean it like that.

It really bother's me that I am so angry that I can't even pretend that she is the best Mother in the world...just to make her feel good or less guilty for one day. A day that's supposed to be all hers. I wish I had that in my heart to give to her.

Maybe it is like she says. Maybe I am an ungrateful biotch.