I can't get over feeling so alone and hating myself lately. My self image issues are getting worse- I had some bad image problems when I was about 12 and used to starve myself a bit to keep thin. Now I'm getting incredibly nit picky about my appearance, if I spend too long in front of the mirror getting ready now I just cry because I am staring to realise how ugly I actually am. And PLEASE don't give me the whole 'you shouldn't care about how you look' thing, I've been told I'm too thin, too fat, my teeth are bad, my hair is too messy, I walk funny, I talk funny, my ears are too big, I should be a model, I look like a scrag- obviously I am going to care about how I actually look. Because if my PTSD I grind my teeth, they are so shockingly bad, but I cannot afford to get them fixed. Just to have my teeth fixed, you have no idea what that would do for me.
And my skin, I'm 22 and my skin is as bad as it was when I was 13. After I posted this I am going to go to the doctor and make an appointment to see what can be done, but I am scared of medication because of the amount of weight I put on last time, 15 kilos (over 30 pounds) in 7 weeks.

I can't get a job, it's the one thing that is bringing me down the most lately. It's just fueling my feelings of not being wanted by anyone. Having a job would do so much for me, get me out of the house, give me some money, boost my confidence, help get some energy back, give me a reason to actually get out of bed in the morning and feel worthwhile. But I guess I don't deserve that, I've never had that before.

And I have been out twice in a month, and one friend has come over (out of pity), I've had more visits from the police in the last 6 months than I've had friends over. Everyone is out doing stuff and I'm never there, I'm just sitting in my freaking house alone every day and night. And even if I was invited out I rarely enjoy it anyway because all people do these days is drink and drink and smoke weed and drink. I can't cope with any of it, and of course when I get triggered people never want to invite me out again. The only 'friends' I have are on the computer, and that's just because nobody here can actually see me.

And now someone in my family has got a relationship, oh how wonderful he is, he's taking her interstate in a few days. Of course I'm 22 and never even been on a date because I'm so terrified. And I could never tell anybody that I want a relationship so much because they'll try and set me up or lecture me on how they aren't all that bad.
I resent myself so much for it, I have thought about just going out and having sex with any guy who asks because it's the best I'm ever going to get and I guess I deserve it.
I'm going to be alone my entire life.

I don't even know what the point of anything is anymore. I'm so lonely and feel so unwanted and worthless.