The trigger icon is up so please consider your self warned.

As most of you know I'm still getting fine tuned in with the meds. Sunday I started coming up and up and up. I was going nuts fully wired happy and bouncing off the walls. Monday was no different, a couple of coworkers thought I was taking something. My support told me that I needed to keep breathing and to try and calm down. Last night I had some paranoia, and my wife and I had a small tiff, but we worked at after an hour of sitting in silence. Today I was feeling back on top. There was nothing I couldn't handle which was really really good, after being down for so long coming up feels great. BTW yesterday was my first appt. with the new T, she seems nice but she listens. Haven't had a T do that.

So today I was at work got a million things going and I'm tackling them all with vigor. Suddenly the network goes down, I'm telling a couple hundred people that they can't take final exams now, because of server issues. There were literally two dozen people asking me for help, so they could tell thirty to forty people each what was going on. However I took it all with smile and talked people through things and I was getting servers back on line, then...

My mom calls, grandma is in the hospital. They don't think she will live to see the weekend. He lung capacity is dropping really really fast. I sit down and start crying while talking to mom, who is also crying. Mom said that she loved me. It was the first time I had heard that since middle school. Now all the pain seems to have come back. I don't want to die, and I'm not looking at drastic measures or anything like that. I just want to get so drunk that I can't feel anymore. I want to be numb and a good life forgetting for a while numb. At the very least I want to cut away some pain.