i find myself getting stuck in a downward spiral every so often, regularly i might add. i feel like i have all kinds of feelings that i can't describe and can't process and so i find it easier to just SI to make it go away. often, i find that cutting myself is the only thing that can make all those strange and deep feelings go away.

but i also wonder sometimes if my desire to SI creates my strange feelings. i get so conflicted inside and confused about it all. i find that SI is such an addiction for me, i'm always coming back to it. and it's definitely not the same now as it was 10 years ago when i started. sometimes it feels like i need to cut just because it's been so long since i last did... regardless of how i feel. so i feel like maybe i'm just bringing these feelings on myself and that leads me to cut again. it's just making things harder.

i used to SI without much hesitation because it was such a good fix for me. now that i'm struggling with it more and trying to stay safe i think it seems harder in the long run. the longer i go without it the more i feel i need it. the worse i'm afraid it will be when i break...