Krazy_Phoenix,
In your reply I find the words you have given me begin to capture the feelings of 'pure unadulterated serious frustration' that I am feeling: "shattering" is very,
very good! "Shocked and rocked" also comes
super close. "Programed patterning" hits the nail on the head as far as description. Thank you for hearing and hurting for me, although I pray the hurt is buffered for you. I know I am healed in the long run, I am hoping to have her know that I acknowledge these feelings.
Thank you for giving me very good words to attach to them.
She says: "It seems that I am feeling all these feelings and they are to be put in the context of: "I did the best I could" and I pray that I will believe this statement. I will, I will."
There is a pull both directions and it is making me so crazy...so split, so argh, grrrrr.
It's helping though, so many, many thanks. At least the tears are starting to drip slowly out of eyes, from the frustration of it all.
Hunny
Quote:
Originally Posted by krazy_phoenix
Dearest Hunny & Hive,
We too struggle with life decisions made in this particular time line in our life - between the ages of 20 and 30. We struggle with our teen decisions too but there seems to be more of an acceptance of these decisions being part of the learning of life, than the decisions of the 'adult' years. Our body is mid-30's & is still reeling from physical traumas, let alone the mental and emotional scars, incurred during that decade of our life as results of those decisions. Some of the shared memories that have come to light in the last month or so have been shattering - and her words, " The choices were all based on fears, escape, being and looking acceptable, denying traumas, abuses and neglect." and "These decisions were made with the broken-ness of who I was not on the restored-ness of who I am. How do I reconcile this?" We so feel these sentiments for our crew. The decisions made by those of us who were not capable of making appropriate life choices at that time have shocked us and rocked us, endangered our life, hurt us terribly. How do we reconcile this? We haven't yet entirely, as we haven't reconciled with any of the traumas of this existence. The conclusion however we have come to, which may be temporary, is that those decisions were made because we were repeating a pattern laid down in our subconscious by outsiders. We didn't know the pattern was there, we didn't know we were 'programmed' to go off the rails before we even left the station. Yet as anderson says, we did the best we could with what we had. We are still alive, we are still here, we survived yet another period of trauma. It is unfortunate that not only do we have the 'early' trauma to reconcile, but we have 'side-effect' traumas from repeating our negative unaware patterning to reconcile as well. I wonder if it will ever end. Just when I think things are going ok, I discover we have a new case of SI to deal with (from teen alt). Another (albeit mini) trauma to heal - another hiccough slowing progress - another direction to look.
I just wanted you to know Hunny that I'm thinking of you, that I'm hearing you, that I'm hurting for you too. And I hope that the meaning of reconciliation is one that you can mold to best allow you peace.
 kp |