This Sunday is Mother's Day!! My mom's loss, in '06, was devastating, although at the time I didn't know how deep it would be. She deeply loved me and always had my back.

Now, Mother's Day is my day to suffer more, not just for my loss but the loss of feeling meaningful as a mother of four adult children. My two younger sons tell me and show me their love. My only, older daughter and oldest son have ambivalent feelings toward me. Anyhow that's my perception. That's what I feel. Especially my daughter. She always gave my mother (her Nana)adoring Mother Day's cards. (jealously?) My oldest son says I have "bad character." His family is LDS, very protective of their children,and I might hurt them...I'm bipolar and they've heard things!

I wasn't my "stay at home mom." They didn't know her as I did in her younger years, when I rarely saw her. My sister and I were at a good foster home, until she got married again when I was seven. My youngest was born later and didn't know much. And other things that we truly don't hold against her.

They were never abused by me. I showed and told them, always, I loved them. I worked, I wasn't always there, I was the provider. I did bipolar things. I did really dumb things. I did what? I didn't do what? I don't know! Children are so impressionable. Happenings are magnified.

I want to hide, I want out! We moved 450 mi away so I wouldn't have to face the "snub love." That was a good move! I needed to be away, anyway, from all the stress I lived in. Now, I'm gone! No need for excuses of why something did or didn't happen. Still, I don't want to face another Mother's Day.

-- But it's coming, coming, coming!--