Head is really spinning today. we had to do a timeline of our lives and write in traumas/ who did them, as well as helpers/guides who got us through.

there's so much going on right now - i wish i could do columns in here.

positive: I'm graduating with my Masters on Sat., i got through group and the triggers, took a xanax when I could tell i was slipping, pulled out Benedict (the armadillo stuffy with the identity crisis), wrapped my arm in my scarf when i started sharpening my claws on it, told the T i was having a hard time, took tiem to myself, sat in my car for lunch in the sun between group and my own therapy apnt. have done fairly well considering everything.

negative: totally triggered, somewhere between manic, anxiety, and sui. wanting to cut to just numb everything. wanting to do all my bad coping skills.

It is so odd. The trauma crap so hard. I want to excel in life. I want to numb. I am graduating! I want to sui so i don't have to ever look at trauma and triggers and T's again. The world is opening up! The world is ending in this gaping maw, this chasm of the inner rings of hell. I get to skip the next 2 intensive sessions because of the commencement trip! I have to come back and put myself back into facing this again. i want to heal! I want to give up! I try to eat well on my medical diet. My stomach is crashing with stress and fear. Which is real? Can they both be real? REALLY? I sent out 10 graduation announcmenets. I got one response. In desperation, I sent out a mass email, i got back tons of good wishes. I dreamt I was on a plane and we landed to pick up more people. Then we all got off to look at an ancien ruin of a temple. and the plane left without me - leaving me in the drawing night, on an air strip in the middle of a jungle with me flashing the airport light on and off... watching the plane leave me there. I am both excited and terrified. Grateful and ill. Wanting to move forward and throwing up with anxiety.

I'm questioning my sanity, my life, my ability to cope WHILE holding it together, doing the motions, getting through triggers mostly... working on containment in T. I have a sore throat from.... ??? unspoken words? fear of panic and old ghosts? Are they real? will they tear me apart? the trauma? will it finally swallow me whole? In my mind's eye, I can see myself attempting sui the day after my graduation - what is wrong wiht me? I know i won't. I'm not saying that - I don't think. There is just this strong ambivilance - which will I do? What will happen? Will my life be good and open up in possibilities? or will it fall to its demise. Yes, the choice is MINE. God help us. The choice is mine. and the choice - the anxiety of the choice is eating me alive. Oh god help me for i am sore afraid.
Welcome to intensive therapy.