One of my BIG problems is because of my father. It is funny that I can see this so clearly yet sometimes still can't get past it.

My dad is a huge, manipulative, liar. He manipulates (or tries to) me for contact and affection and I have learned just to stay away from him and that has worked well for me.

He also manipulates "the system" as I've watched all of my life. He never pays his bills, racks up large credit card debt, and gives them all excuses. I came to learn this when I was young and would listen to him on the phone with the gas company about why he couldn't pay the bill because he just had heart surgery... etc. But he had also just dropped a load of money on a new TV or an expensive top-of-the-line VCR. And he was still using the "Just had heart surgery" excuse with creditors years and years after the surgery and full recovery.

I grew to hate that way of thinking... I'm very proud of myself for that... and when I was on my own I became very responsible for my debt and for my purchases.

Now I am in trouble... but part of me hates the idea of "whining" to creditors because I can't separate it from my dad's way of doing things. Part of my problem with my dad was that he felt "entitled" to things, if you know what I mean... like because he had surgery it was OK for him to buy things he couldn't afford... which is different then working out a deal for things that you need like power or food. I'm left here with stuff I can't afford... stuff that I could afford before I became ill... but my "baggage" I guess you could call it is part of what makes me feel so ashamed by the whole ordeal.

I guess "ashamed" is an operative word. Strange since I know so much about this illness, about how it is an illness... so I never feel embarassed to talk about it. But even when I'm dealing with the "obvious" stuff correctly I can see how it still creeps in more subtly.

Another aspect is how I've said I'm "afraid" of the phone... I've grown a fear (long before depression or creditor problems) of making calls or answering my phone... obviously much worse now when creditors are an issue. And of all the stuff I have hoped to change from my dad's way of life I wish I could have inherited his ease on the phone... not to lie about things but at least not so that I am the complete opposite and can't even get the courage to discuss possibilities and be proactive with my creditors.