the title really says it all for me. then again maybe not. i'm suppose to meet with my t here in about four hours, and i don't feel like going. i need to meet with someone for sure, but i'm not sure i want to meet with her.

i had actually been doing very very well for a while there. all sorts of things had changed for the better. i was genuinely happy for the first time ever in my life. then the issue of the "little me" came back up. my t and i have only taken this issue up once before, and the time we spent on it was remarkably brief. i'm talking like i think one visit maybe two. anyways, i let the whole thing go then.

about a month ago or so now it has come to the surface again. when i mentioned this to my t i got this sense of "not again" kind of thing from her. a few weeks back i had something happen, and it had brought up something from when i was little. i did mention it was very very dark. she was trying to help me get grounded at the time which was probably more important than addressing the dark issue, but i guess i would of thought maybe she could of said something like "maybe we can take that up the next time we meet" or something of that nature. instead it was totally passed over.

ever since the "little me" thing has come up my life has changed dramatically. i can barely leave my house. i struggle immensely those times that i do leave. my thoughts and emotions have been going crazy, and i'm struggling so much more it's sickening. yet i feel like if i am to take this up with her it's simply going to be glazed over or i'm going to get the same response i got last time i brought it up.

i struggle to communicate. so maybe it's just me and not getting across what i really need to, but on the other hand for what i have brought up feels less than validated. i don't exactly want to say that to her, as times before when i've tried to convey how i felt her reactions were i felt she became more defessive or something like that.

i'm just not feeling so much like she really cares. i know she hears me, but i'm not convinced she's really listening. i don't have the option of asking for another t. i had asked once before to change t's (it was the only time i've ever asked) and when i did they said they would honor it that time, but i wasn't allowed to ask that again. btw i'm court ordered to go to this mental health center.

if i don't go today then i won't be able to meet with her for at least another two weeks. more realistically it would be about three weeks. i'm just not sure what to do or how to handle this. i guess i'm just wondering if anyone has any suggestions?

thanks for taking the time to read my rant here. sorry