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I just want to feel normal once in my life. It seems that I am always trying to hide something or deal with my mental state.
When I was growing up, I hid the fact my sister and I were being molested at home by my father and grandfather (father and son). We were told by our grandmother if we didn't talk or think about it, we would be okay. WRONG. My sister and I both had to go into therapy and are thankful for a high school principal who helped us out. My mother divorced him (the grandfather had died) when we finally told what was going on. His family thinks we should put the past behind us and visit him. NOPE. Like my sister said, she has two daughters and she isn't putting them in any kind of danger. My husband says the man gives him the creeps and doesn't trust him period.
Now, I am dealing with OCD, panic disorder, phobias, and high blood pressure. I don't want people to know that I am having an panic attack or when my OCD is acting up, which here lately it seems to be all the time. My mind refuses to be at peace. I would love for once to not think of anything and be happy. My mind is constantly running different facts and information through it. Going to school is an outlet, but at age 43 my husband says if I go back to school again, it better be for a teaching degree so I can stay in school permanently. I am looking into teaching some classes for my company this fall.
Also, some of my medications make me sensitive to sunlight and that has given me a complex or rather a phobia. Doesn't matter what you call it, it still gives me anxiety. I love a cloudy day. It makes me feel good like a big comforter covering me. One of my mom's friends feels this way, too. She was glad to know she wasn't the only one.
I just needed to get this out of my system. I started having a bad day from the beginning. I had to go to a memorial service this morning for my receptionist. She fell asleep at the wheel. It was interesting what I could hear and see. She worked as a receptionist during the day and as a stripper at night. It was an interesting mixture of people at the service. I felt out of place. I ended up sitting in the funeral director's and his secretary's office during the service. (They are both personal friends of mine, so I was comfortable with them). You could hear them playing the music she performed to for most of the service. I have never been to one of those type of clubs and was actually kind of scared to see what was going on during the service. They had a video show of her life. One of the people I work with said it was actually tame, no embarrassing pictures.
Okay, I had more to get out of my system, please forgive me.
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