thank you sannah. i can see how that would be helpful. it is so scary. it feels like i'm so alone sometimes, even though i know i'm not. i worry i have just been a terrible client before, so i worry i won't ever find what i want ...need? i dunno.

my partner has noticed that i haven't been myself lately. i think she's been worried. i haven't wanted to bother her with my troubles lately because she was having a hard time. i try so hard to stay strong for her. anyway, last night before we went to sleep she asked me if she could get me the number for a therapist her T recommended for me. i guess i really do seem like a mess. she gave me the info last year after my attempt to see someone failed again, but i didn't have the heart to try another person right then. she says the woman's office is really close to where we live. i might even be able to walk there. i think i'd be willing to try again. i just worry. it's so stressful. getting started is the hardest part.