My aunt lives in the city and I live in a suburb. We haven't been so good lately. Well, mostly because I don't really have any contact with my father's family. They never call or come visit me (I prefer it that way), but I never call them. My aunt and I were good before. She helped get places while I was pregnant and soon after, but we grew apart as I became much more withdrawn from the family when my PTSD made it so I was afraid to leave my room. This was when my father was laid off, went through his severance and unemployment and just about 4 months (this was way too quickly considering how much money he was given, and he didn't even try to get another job for almost a year after when he moved in with his girlfriend). But apparently since the family saw us on Easter, they said they (or at least my grandmother does and is just saying the rest of the family feels this way too) think I need help, in a bad way. So I just don't want to talk to them. They treat me like I'm an alien. And my grandmother, she is just mad that she doesn't get to see my son or watch him. I would never let her watch in my lifetime. I don't even trust her around him when I'm there. I would talk to everyone, but my grandmother and my father, but I feel like they would get to me someway if I talked to them. Even though my aunt and uncle (her husband) were so nice to me after I told about my father when I was a kid. My uncle told me he suppected that my father was doing something bad to me by the way he acted around me when we went to family gatherings. He thought it was very weird.

I didn't talk to the police much after I filed the reports, but they wanted me to file another report within the other city limits and I could not get there yet. They called me a few times after and just asked me for more information and physical descriptions on him. They could not find him in the computer based on any information I gave them. Actually, he could be in jail or he could be deported, but if he was I would only know if the police called me and told me. I could only look up on the department of corrections website some of the names I remember we saw on the id's we found and/or his appearance and I haven't found any pictures that look like him. The only reasons I could think is that they need the other report to convict him or they can't find him, or I just wasn't told what happened. I would think that they can't find him. With all the different names and id's he has and the fact that he's come to America so many different times in so many different and illegal ways, he's know how to run and hide and come back as a different person.

I know I could be a better mother if I could get professional help, since I'm not healthy myself, it's hard to raise a healthy child. I wish to get counseling so that he can have the best life possible. And so I can be happy too. It's amazing to me that he is so happy and always has been, despite my feelings. I just want him to stay that way. I don't want to end up ruining his life and I don't want him to develop second generation PTSD because of mine.

I need to get into counseling; hopefully get a case manager (I have to get my insurance back first) so that I have have some assistance and support in getting what I need, because sometimes I just don't know what I need, or what's out there. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with school. I tried to go to college to do something with my life, but I failed out and very soon I will have to start paying back the part of my financial aid was must be paid back, unless I re-enroll and I just don't think I'll be able to handle it at all. I've rather get a job, because I'm tired have running out of food and I just need to get on my feet. Even now that I'm not in school, I'm still highly stressed at times. When I was in school, I was highly stress everyday. I can't be that way. But my friend could help watch the kids while I do homework so it would be easier. I was doing online classes only, so I had to teach myself and watch my son at the same time and it was way too stressful. I would like to go back to school AND get a job, but I konw that's pushing it way too far. With my PTSD, when I am highly stressed, my anger can get very out-of-control and I can't be the best mother to my son if my anger gets out-of-control all the time. I just don't know what to do. Staying at home, doing nothing but taking care of my son seems to be my best option, so that I don't get too stressed out. Hopefully I could get on disability. Well, I've been trying to get food stamps and public housing and get back on my insurance and now they just took my son off his insurance, I haven't been able to do anything, because I don't have transportation. I've applied and applied, failed because I couldn't get to the appointments or occassionally, when I did, I was late or didn't have all the right paperwork or information. I need our basic needs met and my mental health needs met. I can't think about school until I can do those things.