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imapatient · May 07, 2010, 11:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kiya

I'm questioning my sanity, my life, my ability to cope WHILE holding it together, doing the motions, getting through triggers mostly... working on containment in T. I have a sore throat from.... ??? unspoken words? fear of panic and old ghosts? Are they real? will they tear me apart? the trauma? will it finally swallow me whole? In my mind's eye, I can see myself attempting sui the day after my graduation - what is wrong wiht me? I know i won't. I'm not saying that - I don't think. There is just this strong ambivilance - which will I do? What will happen? Will my life be good and open up in possibilities? or will it fall to its demise. Yes, the choice is MINE. God help us. The choice is mine. and the choice - the anxiety of the choice is eating me alive. Oh god help me for i am sore afraid.
Welcome to intensive therapy.

Kiya, part 2:

I see two things going on:

1. You're at the end of the road for a specific stage of your life with uncertainty about where to go from here, what was it all for, blah-blah blah (not meant as ridicule)---typical existential angst (literal), but that's only provoked at key moments of our lives. If we dwelt on that stuff all the time, we'd cease living. We'd be paralyzed by our analysis and wondering. Of course you feel horrible and confused and stressed!

2. While at this crucial life-stage, you're subject to intensive therapy where it seems a lot of it is left to you to do individually, i.e., not with a T working alongside and with you as you do it. And you were asked to do the hardest type of review of your life, i.e. looking at it on a dimension of traumatic events. Of course you feel horrible and confused and stressed! Where's the exercise to look at your life on a happy events dimension? Not now, if ever. You don't go to therapy because you're happy. You don't need to "work on" issues because YOU ARE happy. You'd be better served, as said in part 1. with a T walking through this with you and not having days between starting/doing something so difficult. Your one T appt. isn't enough to process it with all else going on.

Bad feelings are deliberately being called up. Sucks. You're missing out on some joy/good feelings about your MAJOR accomplishment due to the exercise. Yikes. Part 3 to come.