I can't stop feeling like ****, I would never bother asking anyone to come over because people are always 'too busy'. I haven't felt the way I've been feeling the last 2 months in years. I know why I feel so crap (DON'T say it's depression), it's like I deserve to feel this way. All I want to do right now is punish myself for being such a stupid person. I can never amount to anything, that's why my friends never want to see me, it's why nobody will hire me so I can't get a job, it's why I can't be in a relationship. I go days without talking to anybody, but not by choice, it's because I have nobody to talk to. I just want a friend to invite me to catch up or something (I'd ask but people always have other plans or need alcohol).
I think perhaps I should just go out and get drunk or have sex with somebody because it's what I deserve, I should just do it because I need to be punished. And everyone who does have friends and gets out all the time drinks and sleeps with random people.
I don't even expect to live a very long time anymore, I feel like I'm going to die within the next few years.
I could clean my room up right now, but why? I'd just sit here and do nothing by myself once I'm finished, and seeing as I'm already doing that I might as well keep doing it.
I'm so ugly and worthless and unwanted and stupid, no wonder most people haven't noticed I haven't been around. I can't seem to amount to anything worthwhile, even when my job program offers subsidies I still can't get a job.
Why even make effort for anything? why have friends and try to talk to them when their other plans are more important? Why be a friend if you can't be a friend?
Do I even have a right to complain? I obviously deserve this, I must be a bad human being, I must have done something.