Hi Heather and everyone

(((((( Hugs ))))))

Sorry for not being more involved lately. Caught a cold earlier this week, but that's not really what's been on my mind. Part of it is school and work obligations too.

Insomnia still wreaking havoc on my sleep schedule. Spend most of my time between work and school trying to catch up

Barely have any time or energy left over for gram. She's been recieving in home therapy since coming back about 3 weeks ago, but that just ended this week. My mom visits briefly each morning and has been managing all gram's financial needs, but besides that, haven't heard a word from my sister or brother who live less than five minutes away. It's pissing me off how they can just ignore it all, I mean not even a frigging phone call. Guess they're just waiting til she's dead to drop by

Someone needs to step in now where the therapists have left off and help gram with her speech and physical therapy. I'm going to do my best to find time, but already feel like I've got a full plate.... I can't watch what's happening with my family for too long without getting really disturbed about it. Lame is all I can think....

My mom was handicapped in a serious car accident when I was about 8 years old. She'd been drinking and was car racing when she lost control and flipped end over end 5 times. She broke her back and spent 8 months in suspended traction. I had to go live with my dad cause she obviously couldn't take care of me, but for some reason, my brother and sister were allowed to stay with friends....

Growing up, I was spared living with the depression in my mom's side of the family. Until I was an adult I never understood how debilitating mom's wreck had been on her and everyone else as a result. My brother became heavily addicted to drugs, while my sister withdrew and resented and still resents anything related to my mom. Now each just live completely seperated from it all as much as possible.

When I moved here at 18 I felt sympathetic towards my mom and wanted to do everything I could to make her life easier. Maybe because what she'd seen happen to my sibs, she rejected all my attempts. At the time, I interpreted it as a rejection of me. I was already pretty demoralized and depressed from wicked step mom, so, this reaction from her only made everything worse. I felt totally disconnected from anyone.

Still, I didn't understand her reasoning and felt a strong guilt that she needed help and I couldn't give it. Something I still feel even now.

Now again, someone arounds me needs love and attention and for reasons of time and energy, I can't give it. Both my mom and gram are handicapped. My youngest sister has been thier crutch (for some reason they would accept help from her) but she's recently moved to the next town and isn't as available anymore. There isn't anyone else but me now.

I really wish these two would get the help they need. Neither of them will go to a doctor or take personal responsibility for themselves. Instead they just hang on by any and all measures, suffering in front of me and I feel so helpless. I'm not a therapist, I'm not a doctor, I'm not a psychiatrist dammit Each lives in aging trailer homes that need maintenance and repairs constantly. Neither can take care of yardwork or car problems or snow shoveling or blown pilot lights or moving furniture or leaky roofs or house painting or......

Inside I want to be Mr. Fixit Man, but it's all too much. If everyone were complete unto themselves we wouldn't need carpenters or mechanics or doctors or lawyers. They just refuse to ask for help either because it costs too much or they "don't want to bother" anyone. So, we just sit and watch the house crumble, the car spill oil all over the driveway, the paint peeling off the house My mom has a car with a blown engine in the driveway. She finally bought another car but the old one stays where it is. It gives her something to lean on when she walks into the house. Her feet are mangled, swollen stumps colored blue and red. Do you think she'd go to a doctor? She crawls through the house instead of walking.

I can understand why my sibs stay away. I'm thinking of joining them

Otherwise, school is great. Keeps my mind young, have a great, curious class to learn with. Work is fine, love my boss and even if the work is menial, it pays the bills and puts food on the table. I even enjoy it sometimes....

I have a small social life. I have a significant other that I love very deeply. I hope to have my own family someday

I haven't been in a mindframe for posting a lot lately and I'm trying to understand why. I think I'm in an evaluative transition right now. Looking where I've been lately, keeping what I like, discarding the rest. Always trying to climb higher personally and as a good citizen. Making mistakes along the way, trying to catch my falls, and keep moving on. Not too different than many of you I'm sure....

Thanks for asking about me There's the long version.... hope you all are staying afloat or better

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius