i'm trying, i'm trying, i'm still trying. but i'm not sure how long i can keep it up. i've been feeling so much lately and i have no idea what else to do. i want SI because it's the only thing that works to make me feel better. i feel so spacey. i feel disconnected. i feel on edge. i feel fragile. i need to bleed.

i had the last two days off and i barely left the house. i was a mess. i know i'm not able to take care of myself very well right now. i went out to a party last night with my partner and i'm glad she was there to help me, but it was so hard to get through the whole night without SI. i had to take it minute by minute. i am starting to get more anxious. i feel like i need it. i feel like last night took a lot of the fighting power i had left in me.

so now i'm at work and i'm really scared. i'm so scared i won't get through the day. i don't want anyone to push me over the edge. it's so hard when you work in customer service. i feel so alone (i am alone in the office, which both helps and doesn't help). i'm just worried. i hope i can make it, but i just dont know if i can.