thank you all.

sannah - therapy is something i'm thinking about. it's still so scary. and it's gonna be a slow journey. my partner said she'd get the number of a woman from her T this week... then once i get that number... we'll see i guess.

christina, thank you. your words mean a lot to me. it helps to hear the advice and a different perspective. i get stuck sometimes.... and it's hard to break free from the bad thoughts.

i hit another low point at work yesterday when i had to confront this panhandler guy. he's been repeatedly told to leave the property and has been warned that he is trespassing and we can call the cops on him... but i dont ever want to do that. he is a very large man and he is intimidating and mean. well after a few weeks of not seeing him, i thought he got the point and wouldn't come back. other people had approached him repeatedly in the past, both my coworkers and some customers. but he did come back yesterday, and i wasn't ready for it. not in the least. i starting freaking out in a major panic... i had a coworker there, and she helped me feel ok (it's just that she was in the bathroom when he came in). but i still had a major panicky feeling... i can't even believe i got through it without the SI. i just can't believe it. i am glad my coworker let me leave 30 min early instead of taking my lunch break. and i'm glad i went on chat here because for the last 45 min at work i stayed safe. i wouldn't have if i didn't have people to talk to here... so i just want to thank everyone who sat with me here yesterday. it really means a lot to me. in those moments... it's hard to see any other options. just talking through the feelings helped me get through to the end of the day.

and then after work i got a shiatsu massage. i am SO glad that opportunity came when it did. those kind of things happen for a reason. someone i used to volunteer with switched careers and is now opening her own bodywork practice. since she's just opening, she's giving discount sessions. last week, i figured, oh just go for it. it sounds good (and it's someone i know and would feel comfortable with... because that's an issue with SI stuff, i love massages but dont always want to share my body. plus, with shiatsu massage, it is done with clothes on - like a t-shirt and sweat pants, very comfortable). it turned out to be perfect timing.

i had never had a shiatsu massage before, but it was so grounding. i was brought back into my body, the present. my breathing and energy were worked on and rejuvenated. my muscles were allowed to relax and my body was stretched and balanced. with all the pressure points she touched, it definitely was intense and at times a bit painful... but the kind of painful that is really growth and healing. i realize that this kind of bodywork is about as good as my destructive bodywork in terms of its grounding ability. i will keep that in mind. i might get another one done next month.