My Support Forums - View Single Post

The Crazy Rambler · May 09, 2010, 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Evening

I can't stop feeling like ****, I would never bother asking anyone to come over because people are always 'too busy'. I haven't felt the way I've been feeling the last 2 months in years. That's good to know, you hve overcome before? I know why I feel so crap (DON'T say it's depression), it's like I deserve to feel this way. Why do you 'like'deserve it? All I want to do right now is punish myself for being such a stupid person. Why are you stupid? I can never amount to anything, that's why my friends never want to see me, it's why nobody will hire me so I can't get a job, it's why I can't be in a relationship. I go days without talking to anybody, but not by choice, it's because I have nobody to talk to. I just want a friend to invite me to catch up or something (I'd ask but people always have other plans or need alcohol). Maybe that is what they are, just people. In my book, friends do care, even if they dont understand. Otherwise I woud never call them friends. You know what I mean?
I think perhaps I should just go out and get drunk or have sex with somebody because it's what I deserve, I should just do it because I need to be punished. And everyone who does have friends and gets out all the time drinks and sleeps with random people.
I don't even expect to live a very long time anymore, I feel like I'm going to die within the next few years.
I could clean my room up right now, but why? I'd just sit here and do nothing by myself once I'm finished, and seeing as I'm already doing that I might as well keep doing it. oh yeah, I know that feeling adn do the same! Meaning, don't do anything either.
I'm so ugly and worthless and unwanted and stupid, no wonder most people haven't noticed I haven't been around. I can't seem to amount to anything worthwhile, even when my job program offers subsidies I still can't get a job.
Why even make effort for anything? why have friends and try to talk to them when their other plans are more important? Why be a friend if you can't be a friend? Exactly, maybe they aren't friends at all, eh?
Do I even have a right to complain? It's good to share your heart. I obviously deserve this, I must be a bad human being, I must have done something. What do you think you did to deserve this?

Hi Evening,

I have just put some questions here and there to challenge your thinking. I hope it won't mke you mad or makes you feel as if I don't take you seriously, because I do. That is exactly why I ask those questions. I don't mean you should answer them all. But I know it helps me when my T challenges my thinking. We look at my conclusions (it's all my fault. I deseve be treated badly. etc), hold them to the light to see if they are really true. Maybe they were true at the time, when the trauma happened (like thinking: I am not safe, I have to protect myself from everyone, so I isolate myself), but not true anymore (there isn't anyone around you who would abuse you, but when you feel triggered, the automatic response is to isolate yourself that is what I do btw). So then I have to work on believing the truth instead of letting the trigger drive me into isolation, which is now in actual fact damaging for me. You know what I mean?
Do you have a T? I find I wouldn't survive without mine.
Keep writing and I hope you don't find what I said offensive. It is good to simply vent at times!
Take care of yourself!