Hi, I'm new here and this subject is the exact reason that I am here.

My last 3 relationships have been with these types of people. The first one I married, the second one lasted 14 months and the most recent one (which ended last Sunday) lasted 2 1/2 months.

These are my observations:
- They attract you with charm and flattery.
- They are not honest and will lie when confronted, they will also go on the offensive to get you on the defensive, thereby hoping to confuse you enough to change the subject.
- They will bring out the worst in you, they will push enough buttons that they will eventually get the reaction that they are looking for. They then point their finger at you and cry victim.
- They use whatever means nessesary to manipulate you.
- They are hypocritical, they will not accept to be treated the same way that they treat you.
- They cannot accept critisysm of any kind without getting defensive.
- They are abusive when angry.
- They are very jealous, whether it be imagined or not.
- They are very intelligent.
- Have suffered abuse or abandonment as a child.

What I observed about myself when being around these types of people.
- I am often confused.
- I am often depressed.
- Suffer from stress and anxiety
- I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster ride.
- I have felt dependent in two of the relationships.
- Reduced self-esteem usually ending up with a major lack of confidence.

How did each of these situation end.

- The first one divorced me after I stopped giving in to her abuse. This was my first step to realizing that I wasn't her victim but my own. I was letting her do these things to me. I was the one that had the problem. I learned about taking responsibility and not blaming others for a situation that I chose to be in.

- The second one was fairly easy as I got a new job in another town. I eventually caught her in a lie and wouldn't let her turn it around on me. She did the ofensive/defensive try to confuse thing but I wouldn't let her and broke it off. This one had liked to kick me when I was down so it was a little hard to go looking for love without a lot of reservations. One thing that I had learned up to this point was that it wasn't so much that I knew what I wanted in a relationship, but more that I knew what I didn't want. I had set myself some guidlines that I intended to follow.

- The third one, was love at first sight and I mean in a big way. She met all the criteria of the kind of woman that I was hoping to meet. She hardly wore any make-up, wasn't a big fashion statement etc. She liked the simple things, like cuddling, holding hands, touchy feely etc. I though that I had hit the jackpot. Well it didn't take long for the anxiety to set in. I noticed that she flattered me a lot and wouldn't go visit her friends, she was always telling me that the relationship was her priority etc. I later learned that she was doing this because she didn't want me spending time with my friends. She would get moody and would criticize personality traits of mine that would offend her. I found myself getting defensive, which in turn make her defensive and would start this dog chase tail thing. In 2 1/2 months she broke it off 3 times. It got to a point that I was getting stressed, depressed and dependent and then it hit me! I don't have to be in this relationship I have the choice to leave. As much as I feel that I love this woman, I can make a choice of not being in a toxic relationship. So this time I broke it off, it's been a week now and it hasn't been easy, the dependency thing and the loneliness gets a little hard sometimes. But I made a concious decision that I'm in charge of my happiness and if I don't like the situation that I'm in, then leave. One lesson that I learned from this relationship was how to love myself, and I don't mean just being a good humanitarian. I mean love myself as in I'm not going to put myself through this anymore.

I hope that we could start a discussion on this subject and maybe help others that are involved with this type of person. I would also like to see more effort put on educating adults about how the baggage they put on their children affects their lives. A lot of energy goes into trying to deal with bagagge that shouldn't have to. I don't believe that these people are intensionally mean. They are hurt children that have been given baggage by someone that they've trusted. It is the hurt that is inside of them that is doing this. I truly believe that they don't enjoy their lives and would like to make the necessary changes if they knew how.

Be well and thanks for taking the time to read this.

Jp