((((everyone)))

Thank you for your kind words. I wasn't expecting any response at all, and I am touched by it. Thanks again. I really don't know what to say.
today isn't a good day either. 2 hours of sleep again, and I just don't care about me anymore. I mean why should I. I have nothing to show for myself. My whole family is succeeding at something. Then there is me who can't even hardly walk let alone sleep more than a couple hours at best and that's when i dope myself up with the pain pills.
The anxiety is getting worse and am waking up with pains in the chest. Not like anything serious, and then I have a hard time breathing. i haven't had those kind of attacks in years, and i can't think of anything that would be causing them right now. You'd think I would be too exhausted to even have an anxiety attack let alone 3-5 a day.
I have medication (valium) that i can take for when i have anxiety like that, but i don't like to take it. I don't even like to take the pain pills. I don't even take the allowed amount and sometimes i take one if that a day. I am allowed 4 of one kind and 3 of the muscle relaxers. It's like i need to punish myself and keep myself in pain for as long as can be. I don't understand that part, but have felt the need to punish myself since an early teen. I thought I was getting over that and I was moving on from that. But it's back and it's back big time, almost like overnight it happened.
I have a sleep study tonight and so we'll see what happens. I don't even get the results for another week after that, so it continues till then, and what if there isn't anything that can be done with medication or whatever else they do. I just keep thinking they are going to tell me it's all in my head.
Anyways, I didn't mean to write that much, and am sorry about that.
Thanks to everyone who responded and cares. Hugs and loves to you all.
Jen