Tree your point about kids being independent thinkers is so apt. Each child has something that is the ultimate punishment. For my son its losing his ability to play with his friend next door. When his behavior is getting bad, usually only a reminder of the fact that he couldn't play the next day is enough to get him to stop and take a look at his actions.

I was physically abused by my mother and 2 different step dads. They would all hit when they were angry about something, sometimes it wasn't even really anything that I did. I learned NO lessons from it, other than to fear them all (which I still do) and to keep most everything (whether good or bad) secret because of fear that I would be misunderstood and hurt more.

Sometimes I get frustrated and the immediate fix I use is to put my son in his room and I spend time talking with my husband about how I should deal with things. Then I will bring my son back out and we will all talk about the situation. My son has his chance to explain his behavior, but it doesn't excuse something that he did that he knows is/was wrong. From there we usually figure out a consequence. Sometimes talking about the behavior is enough of a "punishment" because my son is very perfectionistic and is very hard on himself when he's done something that he feels will "get him in trouble". Sometimes we take away play time with the neighbor; sometimes we take away something fun we've previously planned to do. Parenting isn't easy. I feel as though I am failing at it all of the time. But I do put in the effort. I do think it's a band-aid that only helps the parent to spank a child.

Like Tree said, we spend a lot of time talking about things here. We talk about inappropriate behavior we may have observed at school or in friends, or even on tv, and we talk about what the appropriate thing might have been instead. We talk about alternatives to bad behaviors. I think the effort put into talking and sharing about all these things has far better long term consequences than if I were to just smack him when he was "bad". I believe talking about all of this helps him to develop critical thinking skills that help him to personally correct his own behavior to more appropriate expressions. I have seen him calm the neighborhood kids down so they could "talk about it" instead of all fussing and fighting about whatever the problem is.

I could go on and on, but I will say that some people don't feel hitting is abuse, but I do feel it is. Anything you do that instills fear can be construed as abuse. Having my son fear me does nothing to help him cope with his life and grow as a person. I think that the "ultimate" consequence is fluid relative to the age of my son and his likes and dislikes at the moment.

One more thing and I will shut up. I have always rewarded (usually verbally) positive behaviors in my son. If he holds the door open for a stranger, I always tell him that was kind. If he chooses to talk to his friend about a problem instead of stomping away, I point out what a good decision that is. I have done this since he was teeny tiny and I expect I'll do it his whole life. A lot can be said for positive reinforcement.

By the way, my son is 9.