Musik - if you are not coping, allow yourself to be prescribed meds. They are there to make life "easier" and more bearable for us. You know we are here to support you - giving in to meds is definitely not a sign of weakness. 99% of us cannot cope without medications. The road we walk is not an easy one, but it's really up to us to decide whether the glass is half empty or half full.

If you really do not want to see your p-doc, what about seeing a T first and asking for help and advice? I'm currently on meds, and when I spiral downwards I also feel very tempted to take all my tabs (My bathroom cabinet resembles a mini pharmacy, so I could probably do some damage). But I've come in to realise in those times that all I really need is someone understanding to talk to, maybe someone to hold me - and then to just ride out the dark times, because it WILL get better.

Hang in there!