I sent the folling letter to my family today:

I wanted to let you guys know I have a mental disease (surprise!). I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder some time ago (mid 20's?). Medical researchers have determined it is mostly caused by genetic factors.

My whole adult life (since around 18) has been very frustrating and a constant struggle to control my thoughts and emotions. I used alcohol as a "medicine" to help feel better. This condition has left me with no friends, no job and allot of sadness. I have been on SSRIs (typical anti-depression medication) since I was 23. I tried probably 20 of these medications and other types - I tried VERY hard to get help!!. As it turns out these medications weren't effective for the disorder.

When I quit my job in California and made irrational decisions (yet again), it was like I was a passenger in my body and could not control what was happening. It seems like my brain just "gave up" and was tired of the frustration, struggling and disappointment with my life.

It caused me to lose the women I spent 14 years with (I don't know how she did it!) - she's married now. I don't blame her, she stuck with me through allot of difficult times. I still talk to her and she is the one friend I have.

It is difficult/impossible for outsiders to understand, they typically think it is a personality trait or that the personal is willingly destroying their life. I have strong willpower (quiting drinking - which I've done for 3 years and losing weight etc.), but cannot "will" this disease to go away. I think I avoided getting another job because I could not see how it would be any different than the major struggles/failures I've had before (trying to always control my behavior is extremely exhausting).

I decided to give the doctor another try (I'm a stubborn, fighting person) and am starting a new medication Lamictal (an anticonvulsant). I am cautiously optimistic as it works by a different mechanism than any I've had before. It takes 4 months to reach therapeutic dose levels (they have to watch for a rare side effect). I've read good reports from patients on the Internet in a similar situation to me. I just want to be one of the people who says "the medicine changed my life".

Sometimes I cant help but to look back at my dysfunctional life and wonder what "would have been". I know I have good intellect but can never concentrate to use it effectively. I've always had this feeling that I'm destined for good things and to help people - I guess that's why I never contemplated suicide which is a common symptom for people with this disorder.

The one solace I've found is music which seems to sooth my brain and make me feel better. Music is VERY important to me.

I just ask for understanding (maybe some prayers) and that I am not trying to hurt mom/dad or anyone else on purpose.

Love you guys