I am 21 years old. I never really had anything in my life. I never had a boyfriend. I never felt true happiness. Of course there are times when I was happy, but I never felt that feeling that i was going to be ok. From the end of last year to now, everything has been a roller coaster. I am literally failing out of my community college. There are numerous scars on my arms. My older brother tried to take his life, which still kills me inside. I feel embarrassed that my younger cousin got into a very great uc school-Berkeley to be exact. I have all these thoughts and pain every day. I wish that i can escape and build a new life. I want no one to know me, I want to refresh my life. It feels like I hate everyone. I always blame my father, but I know that i play a part in it too. Its hard finding happiness for me. I cry every day. I just to d everything all over again.