Hi. Its been a long time since I've posted. I find myself dealing with anxiety/panic on a daily basis now. I am sure its panic disorder and not GAD that I have, because I do not concern myself about every day things. What I worry most about is having a panic attack again.. in fact, I have had a few since I last posted here. How I managed to keep them internalized, I dont know. I was out at a bowling alley, doing beadwork, when it came out of the blue.

(I know it seems odd to be doing beading at a bowling alley, but my other place I used to go went non-smoking. So a bunch iof us coffee drinkers/smokers had to find another place to go).

Anyways, I was beading, and the symptoms hit, just like that. Coldness, heart flutters, jitters, freaky head feelings, the works. I somehow managed to keep all of this internal, not letting other people know what was happening. I kept asking God for help, and kept telling myself, "ride it out, it will be over soon". So I kept on beading, much slower than usual, but I did make it through. My rehab doc gave me some Lexapro a long time ago, but it didnt really work that well on the anxiety or the depression, so I gradually tapered myself off of them. I took 1/2 pill when I had the last attack, and it just made it worse, so I am now un-medicated completely. I am going to try to get into the local mental health system again --- this time I have a referral. so maybe it'll work. We'll see.

Why am I having these feelings every day now? It seems like I'm fighting off an attack almost constantly. My head feels disconnected from my body almost all the time now. Nighttime is the worst. I feel safer at the bowling alley than I do at home, when my hubby is working. A few people know I am having problems, and they kinda keep an eye on me, and I am sure I can trust them to help me if I need it.

I can't think of anything specific that triggers these attacks... they just happen, no matter what I am doing at the time. No warnings at all. That's the real scarey part --- there is nothing to tell me that it's coming... no "aura", or special odors, like in epilepsy. It's like somone turned on a light switch labelled "Panic mode ON".