You know, you are going through a lot AND trying to move forward. This is where we go easy on ourselves. The self loathing is your depression talking...well okay, jumping up and down screaming like a banshee. Just remember that nobody got through a depression by focusing on the negative. Man, if I were you, I woule call one of those hospitals and play for some of those chikdren in there. Bet they could make you all better and you can make 'em smile or weep. Give it a shot!