I had my session on monday and I was fine after the session, but now I dont feel so "fine."

I spent the majority of the session talking about my girls and what goes on between them. How each is finding their own way and it isnt easy for either of them and how I can help and guide them. Then I talked about my H and mothers day. okay, fine. I save the more difficult stuff for the last 10 minutes. I do this all the time. I went on to my spiritual issues and she seemed very open to talking about it as a therapy issue.

Once I got talking about some specific experiences and beliefs, it lead to issues with my father (male God) and men. Then onto mother stuff. I felt like I needed another hour at that point. There is so much behind what draws me toward this or that direction. I didnt expect to be talking about parent stuff or how I felt around my mother or father. Maybe this whole quest for something greater, a connectedness to the universe is just a big 'ol longing for mommy and daddy. And a place to call home.

There wasnt enough time at all to delve as deeply as we were going and the session ended just as I was getting to things I needed to talk about. When she said, "we have to stop now" I felt like she just wanted me to shut up and get out of there. Which is probably not so! The session was over, but it felt that way. Like she sees this dirty and disgusting part of me and she feels this way about me and just wanted me out of her office. I feel embarrassed and shame.

And that is how Im feeling now. yucky. I had such a busy day, but when things quiet down at night I feel that yuckiness all over again. If I stay busy with the trillion things I have to do during the day, I am fine. I dont think about it, its at night when everyone is asleep and Im alone with myself that I feel like shame and hated by the world. I told her I feel like I was damaged at the deepest part of me and I can never heal the damage that was done. It takes so much effort and I wont really be healed. I'll be broken pieces held together with tape and glue, I want to feel whole and comfortable in this world but I never will.