hereiam & ickydog,

i do understand what you both mean. i haven't inflicted cuts on myself, but i recently broke my own hand and now feel pain and cramps in it that won't let me forget my shameful self destructiveness. not to mention that it is a bit misshapen now. i also have had a tendency to destroy paintings that i had worked on for quite some time which was terribly painful. curiously, my paintings have become positive symbols for me because i was able to repair them and still think they are beatiful, but i recently had a gallery pass on the 'scarred' ones. my self destructive reaction (in combination with other problems i have, was to give up completely with that gallery)

my hand, however, is a awful reminder of my tendency to sabotage myself... not that i don't have reminders at work, etc. i can't think of a way to attach any positive memories to my hand, but if i do, i'll post them here. with regards to my acne scars, i literally stopped looking in the mirror for years (except in a 'quick glance' type way), which has probably had good and bad results. the good being that i don't really think much about other people's opinion of my face these days. however, i have nothing but horrible memories attached to my facial scars (of rejection, shame, embaressment, etc.)

i guess my only real suggestion regarding coping would be to face the bad memories instead of avoiding them and try to transform them if you can. when think of myself sobbing in the emergency room wondering if i would be able to paint and draw again thanks to my outburst (my hand was quite smashed), it definitely gives me a chill and makes me a bit sick to my stomach, but i am sure glad not to be there now. i am glad that i have the strength not to destroy myself right now and i need to remember to give myself credit for it. hang in there!