Tree- Are you really feeling that way? Its funny how you see healing possible in me and I see the healing possibilities in you. That you have the ability to be free and whole. But when it comes to me, I feel like my core is not repairable. I can only hide the damage and live with it. And at any moment the places I repaired will fall apart.

I am feeling the exact same way. That I feel the core shame and I have to hide who I really feel that I am. This disgusting and dirty child who is not deserving of anything. I have to pretend I deserve, but I know deep down that I dont. Can I relly just pile on layers of "I do deserve, I do deserve" when it is so deep that I dont deserve and I am not worth it. And then the deepest part of me does not trust that male people (I am not saying men b/c as a child it was male big people) wont hurt me. T and I went over different people in my life and the things that are different about them than my father. But I dont think that can be healed. It is instinctual for me to expect that they will hurt me/will act nice but be bad. On the other hand, I am married and have a number of male people in my life that I dont do that with. I dont see that male/hurt me thing. I have to get to know someone real well before I trust them. T wants me to slow down and not to have a (not noticable to anyone else) panic with men I dont know well. And she gave me things to say to myself. But it all seems like SO MUCH WORK and I wont truly be healed. I feel so damaged in this way from so so so very young that this is who I am. I am afraid and I dont trust. I have this initial panic reaction and go into "blank out" panic mode and cannot remember to say these things to myself. It is so so hard to slow down and talk myself through the fear. "This is not my father, I am not a child who is powerless....this person is different from my father in XYZ ways...." It sounds simple, but it is SO hard and difficult and painful. To step aside from the fear and think differently.

When I think of "we cant feel what we dont feel" I think of feeling the fear and going right into it and through it and onto the other side. I guess the other side being aware of feeling afraid, its okay to be afraid, and to notice of the differences between how I felt as a child with a big male person and how he/I am different in this situation right here and now.

This is SO HARD.......

And thanks WePow...hugs right back atcha....