Don't know what it is about me and threads like this that I start so I don't have to feel all alone but it seems I end up talking to myself. Don't mind me I am having a bit of a woo is me pity party over here. The meetings are done and my performance received rave reviews and now I am melting down. I call it my post production blues. Release the stress of preparing to and pulling off a performance. Now is when I am the most vulnerable to cycling down into a pit of dispair and self loathing. Hating myself for being so fake and feeling so alone for being able to fake it. Confused and angry and lonely and desperate to be real. To be loved. I really don't know. It is just a painful place that I seem unable to avoid going to when I am unwinding. My head wants to explode and I can barely breath and I am too exhausted to do the work to level myself. I have no strength to resist the spinning downward spiral I am in now that the work I came to do is completed. All that is left is to write a summary report of the work produced. I will do that while I am here since we still have a couple of days before we head home.

Everyone else is now in full time holiday mode. They are all going to a show and out again for dinner and making plans together for this and that and the other. I am invited to join in of course but right now I just don't feel up to any more performances. I can't afford any of it either. This has already been an expensive trip. $4 just for a small bottle of water. $6 for a slice of cheese pizza.

Mixing with the group proved costly for me last night when I joined up to play the slots. I have no self control and before I knew it I was down $600. I just couldn't stop once I let myself start. I was winning and then I wasn't and then suddenly I was advancing money on my credit card. I am sick about it. I deliberately left my debit card at home and brought one credit card for hotel registration and emergencies. I totally lost all self control last night. Even the huge fee to advance on a credit card didn't deter me and within a few hours all the money was gone. I can't believe I did that.

I have no work to go home to and my finances are already beyond critical. I have been subsidizing my income with credit since the beginning of the year and it is not a pretty picture. I was so grateful when a prayer was offered for me to have an abundance of work flowing forward. They have no idea how bad things are for me. Their impressions are so not my reality on so many levels. Still I appreciate the prayers and am just trying to trust things will be okay. Been doing that day after day.... month after month and appreciating the dribs and drabs that come as they come.

Okay.... enough with feeding the worry. At home I would push myself out the door for a walk in the forest and some time at the river where I would pray and listen to the sounds of nature's comforting harmonies. Nowhere here for me to go to try to ground myself again. That's funny. To close the workshop I had them all do what I do with every group. I tape a piece of paper on everyone's back and then everyone writes a few words on the paper to express what they appreciate about the person. I participate and today the words 'grounded, controlled & balanced' were among the words written down on my paper. Interesting hey.

I am so tired. I will try a hot shower and maybe a nap to try to settle me down and stop the endless uncontrolable crying. One step at a time. This too shall pass. I hate that I am like this and that translates into I hate myself but it is what it is. I do my best to endure and work my way back to some kind of level. I do the work turning grumbliing into some kind of gratitude. Just takes a while to get there but I must make the effort. I have no other choose.

Thanks for listening to me self. I can be my own best friend. Be here before and survived so will survive this time too. Work it girl. Breath and let go of the built up stress. It will be okay. Give it time. Its okay. You will be okay. Rest now. You have earned it. The next step to take will be clear in time to take it. Show yourself some special kindness.

Thank you self. Its okay. You will be okay.