Sorry I haven't posted much lately, but I've been rather a mess. Despite meds that have been working pretty well, I've spiralled pretty badly lately. Been looking for work, and that's been frustrating and hitting all my self-doubt triggers. I actually saw a job posted yesterday that was so custom made for my <ahem> varied work history, but dropping off a resume today I don't even think I'll be called for an interview. It doesn't help that my mind keeps reminding me that though I rated 99th percentile for college bound back in high school, at 47 I can't seem to get anything but an entry level minimum wage job. And right now, I can't even seem to get that. I'm trying so so so hard to keep a positive outlook, but... visions of dishwashers keep dancing in my head... Feeling like a totally useless tosser.

Yup, think it's time for a meds adjustment. Ahhh yes, that'd be another problem. Last week I finally stopped procrastinating on paperwork and got everthing together for a program. Turns out I can't get into it w/o a 6 month residency. They were very nice about it, but I can't go in for help with no idea how to pay for it. I just can't. It panics me so badly. I soooo don't want to go into crisis. So... long and short, I have no P-doc and no T-doc. There is a doctor, basically a GP, I have the number for, and I will call, but it is just so unsettling to not have things in place, you know? Like... there *is* no P-doc, there *is* no T-doc... feels like the trapeze without a net.

I have been going to a BP support group. Every week, without fail. I don't talk much, but it is somehow comforting to know that I am not alone. One thing that is hard is that it has brought into sharp focus just how much I can't reach out. And how absolutely non-existent my support system has been. Everyone was completely happy to ignore me when I went into hiding, curled up in a ball or in a complete raging SI meltdown. You know... ignore it and it will go away? Or... I haven't seen you, therefore it can't be that bad? I got out of there, thank goodness.

On the good side, now I have a BF that is very sweet and supportive. I adore him. I've not admitted it, to not make pressure or anything, but honestly, I had planned to do myself in. Then we met and I've held out, wondering where this will go. I threw the BP card on the table very early, so he would know what he was getting into. Thing is... all this time, the meds have been pretty effective. He's never seen me get in a really bad way. He takes meds for depression, so in this way, we understand each other, but I soooo don't want to spiral him either. I just want to make a hidey hole in the closest and hide in it. I can't help but think that I'm just not cut out for this world.

Not sure why I'm posting, I just had to get it out.