I already posted this in the Abuse Forum, so I hope this doesn't get removed. I forgot where I had this thread lol. But, I guess that now that I told my group, and I told my T... and then I went and told my mentor... I might as well just keep on telling it until I purge it all right out and get myself free from it. I first started therapy in 2002, so 8 long years later i'm here to say HEY WORLD, I'M NOT KEEPING THIS SECRET ANYMORE!
whew that set me shaking! I'd better post before I delete.

So; I had both intensive group and therapy yesterday- and it truly was quite intense.
We were still working on our timelines of events that we started last wed. After that day I cried and hid, and had to get calmed down. Today, i found out in advance that we were still hearing from people - so i was proactive in taking my anxiety med.
So first one guy went, then me. I told them that I was really not wanting to do this because it is alllllllll trauma stuff. The T said I totally didn't have to, but I said I DO because this is my stuck point. In 6 years of T, I've still not been able to work thru this.
************triggers***********
So I said my timeline: molested between 0-3 by mom and dad's mom, molested and incestually raped by dad from then until 11 or 12, boys on the playground in after school care doing what they want with me and using that as "buying power" for me to "earn" things i wanted. Teacher seeing this on the playground thru the trees, who was also standing there with my mom when she came to pick me up, met me halfway in between and said "I saw what you did. If you ever do that again, I'm telling your mother." I was scared of him. Later, he pushed a boy on me, saying "You want to be an adult, this is what adults do" and forced the boy on me orally. I ran into him at the store when with mom and was terrified. a friend's dad who came in on us in the night when I had a sleep over with her - she'd changed beds with me and he thought I was her - molested me, and left. at 12, a neighbor's dad had my bff and I drugged and lured to his house by his daughter who we realized later was always drugged and abused. He made my bff and I watch as he raped his daughter - serene with the drug and the commonness of this (sickening) then raped my bff (while i watched, drugged, unable to escape) and then me. (I think the son was there too, but I don't have much of that memory with the drug). after i became a woman, my family left me alone sexually, but the emotional abuse continued, and the occasional fight with hitting. at 18 i had an abusive boyfriend, who constantly pressed advances while i said no, never left me with clothes on, and never respected me. also hit me -tho never in the face - and was emotionally abusive, who attempted a date rape that some Ts have called date rape... i don't know what to call it. I've not dated since... hmmmmmmmmm wonder why. that was 14 years ago
The T said I needed the Crocodile puppet i'd chosen on the first day of group to snap at things, so I told them all before I started that I had an armadillo stuffie up my sleeve (literally) and pulled him out - it was a really big sleeve to hide Benedict. Said he had an identity crisis much like myself. Afterward, a gal said that Benedict did a very good job of protecting me and that maybe he could have a strawberry later. =) People told me I was brave for speaking, that they were sorry all that had happened to me, that one guy felt guilty for ever being forward with or around women and would try to be more sensitive from now on. Others told me they had the same history and we talked about how it affects us still to this day. Another man thanked me for sharing.

Then Therapy: we talked about graduation, the good, some of the bad, the things i learned, mom's really strange behavior around accidently hitting me in the chest and then running her finger in a seemingly sexual manner up my leg whne helping me determine if I really needed to shave or not (T. was rather unsettled by that). then we spoke about group t and I told her I shared my timeline. And she told me that healing is about getting the story out side of us, be heard, be witnessed, and move on. She was glad group T said i didn't have to speak, and glad that I did speak anyway. I told her that my problems in all my other therapy attempts were around having to "say it and forget it". Or to "rewrite all our past the way we want it" and I was not ok with those because these people wanted me to forget something I barely knew in the first place. I'd known there was something wrong, started getting flashbacks at 16, started putting 2+2 together, and here they all wanted me to set it aside and move on (like HINT HINT T. Don't do this to me too).
Then T. looked shocked that people would do that.
***T said It can't be denied. It won't ever go away and it can't be changed.***
I said i really needed to hear that, and burst into tears.
I got validated. I got heard. I said all the crap. She confirmed what I've felt - I can't just push it away like it never happened. I can't "rewrite my story" so everything is happy and good. She confirmed that is is life-altering. Healing is about not staying in that place of trauma; not denying it, not rewriting it, not forgetting it. Incorporating it into life and moving on. It will still always be there, but it won't have power over me any more. I needed that. Crying again now remembering this. At the end she re-confirmed all those things to me yet again.
I was struggling with some new sensations: I'd just said all this scary stuff, twice! But I didn't feel heavy, triggered, burdened, or gross. I felt lighter. and yet i felt like i SHOULD feel all those things. I had all this chocolate in my basket - was i triggered? Should i be triggered? Was this just habit because this is what usually happens when i try to talk?
I decided to let it be and let me get what i needed. It was a big day after all; spoken, not cut, didn't get bad things, didn't do anything terrible. We were validated, We're confused about what to feel now... I decided to let the routien be for now and just allow the "ok-ness" to be there... see if we can get used to it... I know I'm not earning any group T goal stars for my bad eating... and yet, maybe I am because this was a new hurdle.

Sooooooooooooooooo yeah. Tired. feeling both raw and new at the same time... lighter and more confused or concerned or ...no.... i dunno. cold. last night i was cold too... but still light... like a visor was lifted from my eyes and i still expect it to be there, yet now i can see the sun and sky - the memory of the visor is strong. Still not sure what to make of this internal feeling. I feel like i SHOULD be feeling re-traumatized and victimized - but I don't. Yet the shell is half way up expecting it... yet I don't feel danger. Freezing still, but not in danger.
Need to have some tension tamer tea and take it easy a bit.
Thanks for reading, if you got this far - quite a heavy post.