((((((((((((((far)))))))))))))))

I don't think I've ever called my T to see if he's going to be there, but I have definitely sent a LOT of e-mails simply asking "are you still there"? and he will respond "yes, I'm still here, and I'll see you on Tuesday".

I DO think that for me it was the whole "object permanence" thing. I had a lot of trauma in my childhood, and I am certain that it totally altered my development in certain ways - one of those ways being the ability to attach.

Even though it doesn't make any sense to my logical, adult mind, I think part of me was afraid that T would forget about me in between appointments, and that his forgetting about me would make ME not exist.

T and I tried a lot of things over the years to help me hold onto the connection, but I think in the end, the thing that really solidified it for me was simply the experience of showing up week after week after week and finding him, and our connection, there waiting for me. Now, I truly believe, deep down, that T will be there, that he IS there, that our connection continues even when we're not in the same room...but it took a lot of time to get there.

I wonder if having the experience of not calling and then finding her still there will help to calm that need down for you? I think that on some level, I might feel like "she is there BECAUSE I am calling". Maybe once you find out that even when you don't call she is there, it will quiet the noise inside.

Hugs to you, Far!