Hello...
There isn't a comparable word to describe the sheer depression I'm feeling today. I'm talking about a condition that has taken over my mind, robbed me of my dignity, deprived me of the opportunity to fly to San Diego and enjoy all the joyful offerings that city has because of my fears of not wanting social contact. Being sad and hopeless has left me feeling totally abandoned by man and God. I can't feel anger, I can feel nothing, I'm numb. I sleep but am even more tired than before I went to bed. My condition has me neglecting my appetite as I do not want to eat because I feel I'm not worthy to eat. I'd rather drink coffee and smoke cigarettes to punish myself. I've always been pretty good at standing up for other people. I'm no good at standing up for myself. I just never have been, and after all the pain I've been through, I don't have any real desire to fight anymore. I won't even try. I won't go out on a limb for me. Everything that has occurred over the last three months feel as if it were occurring to somebody else. Foreign external noises startle me. The worst things that anyone else could ever say about me doesn't come close to being as bad as the worst things I tell myself. Everybody gets lost in life. I just keep getting lost and I have no map or direction. The world constantly keeps collapsing on me over and over again. It's just—oh, God. I can't go on I'm so weak. When things got bad in the past, I always had my business to lift my spirits, however,things are now very bad financially, my business revenues are off dramatically. Life has NOT been worth living because noone seems to care or will take the time to listen to my sorrows...it is heartbreaking to feel so hopeless/broken. Is there anyone who can help me pick up the pieces??? (I can't afford a therapist and looked all over for cost-free help without any luck)
Seeking a way out,
John